I've got a rough life

Hey Bitches, Andre McSnorty-Britches here. Mummy's been busy so I just thought I'd pop onto the computer and let you know we're all still alive. Like Christmas could take out a Dogue de Bordeaux. We're warriors! Gods! We'll take over the world! Right after a nap and a snuggle. Snivels and I went to the kennel for Christmas. Thank DOGUE we didn't have to do all those family visits with our humans. Ick! I'd much rather be spoiled and sleep than spend two days in the car with a bunch of crabby pants, also known as Mummy, DFF (Daddy Fuckeh Face, as I call him), Boy Child, and Girl Who Shares Meals. It was a pleasant vacation from them.

I especially enjoyed that I could lick my privates for hours without Mummy yelling, "Enough, Andre." BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!

Unless you think about the fact that the cheap-ass doggie hotel DFF took us to did NOT have a couch for me to lounge on. AND as if that's not blasphemous enough, they expected me to sleep on a DOG BED on the FLOOR! Hello?!? I'm not a dog! I'm a Dogue de Bordeaux. Fetch me a king-sized Tempurpedic bed, with blankets.

Oh yeah, we got to at kibble. For non-raw-fed dogs, that's like eating McDonalds. It's all right for a couple days, but boy was it great to be home and gnawing on a big ol' raw turkey leg. Yum!

We're home now. Stupid Cat attacked me this morning, just because Percy and I walked into the kitchen and that crazy-ass kitten (I'll refer to her as Mini Bitch from now on) of Boy Child's freaked out. I think Mummy's about to boot Stupid Cat's stupid butt out of the house.

Well, all this writing in human English has worn me out. I'm going back to bed. Mummy's sick, so I have to take care of her today, while DFF takes care of the human kids.

Love, Andre